I can't promise anything long term (I'm BPD and very avoidant after all), but I'll try to reply to any messages I get!
My icon is from @ Zr6Ov 's Picrew (used without asking, but within guidelines)
I think it was this one: https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/2307052
I also recommend this one: https://ocverse.xyz/nn/462
Quick timeline of my mental health:
Permanent depression
Ana
SH
Turbulent undiagnosed era
Complete numbness
-Therapy starts-
Autism
PTSD (or maybe cPTSD)
ADHD
BPD
Still digging, more incoming
The pre-therapy ones might not be too present now, but habits & mental sequels remain
To read more detail, thread here:
I will practice more languages
I will try to get a lot of money
Because I want to help people
People like her, people like me
People who can do nothing but die
I want to say "I know life is hard. If you have nothing left, I'll give you a safe place to live for now, no strings attached"
I know most people wouldn't accept, because I understand that going somewhere far is not a fix
But taking a break for a while can help
Feeling the warm, soothing sensation of having someone around who cares
Sharing a meal with someone who understands you
Having your place, keeping your distance, while still knolwing they are around
Having a calm everyday with no obligations, and even more importantly, no *expectations*
Just 'live'
I saw too many people around me lose hope
I was one of the lucky ones, I was able to hold on until I got a reason to hope
But so many aren't.
The most recent one is a girl I've been following for a while.
Her arms are deeply scarred, and she is constantly trying to die.
I don't think she will last much longer, although I hope something will save her.
But miracles don't just happen; saving someone is a commitment, not a one-off.
And I hate the feeling of helplessness. I know that I can't do anything to help her.
I'm too far, I'm too poor, I can't offer her anything of use.
I know I will see many more like this. Some will hold on by themselves until things improve.
Others will become bitter, lose their hearts and hate everything.
A few might get saved by someone.
But many, many others will just die in suffering, with no hope of being saved.
If I can change even just one life
If I can save even one person
If I could just stop even just one person's pain
Then it would all be worth it
For me, my pain and suffering are enormous. I know the weight of a life.
Some might think "there's no difference if 10,001 die vs 10,000"
But for that 1 person there IS a difference.
Just that 1 number is everything for that one person.
I wished so much that I could be that one person (and I was in the end)
So I want to help, I want to save others the way I was able to be saved in the end.
Even if just one.
I honestly think that, as a viewer, you can 'love' a vtuber, without it being a bad parasocial relationship
Sometimes it really feels like a sibling or cousin, watching them be happy, supporting them while still knowing our place as 'viewers' and not 'friends'
'Friends' are IRL friends or other vtubers
'Viewers/chat' are also very important, but with very defined boundaries we don't cross
There is 'love' in both, but 'viewers' is asymmetrical and doesn't involve much trust in contrast
But I still can't call it anything but 'love'
We are happy from the the heart to see them succeed, we cry with them when they go through hardship
And they do the same for us. Vtubers cry for us when bad things happen, and they shine bright when we share our wins
It's definitely a type of love for me